My Knight in shining armer !!

Wow , this one hit me like a ton of bricks !!. While dating a man who was a very intelligent, kind , loving, and a good role model for my son. He also was an important role player in the church we attended. He was many things for me and to me . My only problem was his family and friends thought I was all wrong . Mostly because I had been married before and had a child. Well, as much as I understood , I never really thought they were giving me a fair shot. Although I must be clear , they were never mean to me . We dated somewhere around two years and he was close to being a perfect choice for me and my son. Then one day he came by to talk to me, and explained that his family and friends were putting a little pressure on him to date other people. He suggested that we do just that with the exception that on sundays he would still come by and visit with my son for a few hours!! That was fine with me I explained. For I HAD already been married before and I new a little more of what I wanted and what to expect than him. This was to only be for thirty days . Loved and adored him I did, but I was not madly in love with him. A future with a marriage I did see but NOT anytime soon . That was ok for me , I didnt want to rush into anything .Especially not after everything I'd been through. Then two weeks before halloween , a few kids in the neighborhood came down the street pulling pranks and destroying mailboxes knocked mine over . They then cut thru a yard onto the next steet over. A friend of mine lived at the end of the street in the direction they were running . So I called her to ask if she would look out her window and tell me who these teenage boys were. We live in a small town so it may be easy to recognize them . She said they had halloween masks on . My next step was 911 and Asked the dispatcher if he could have the onshift officer meet me at the firehouse . Met with the officer and explained what happened. He asked if I would want to ride with him for a while and see if we could locate these young men together . Sure , I said . So I locked up my mothers car and hopped into his. It was nothing for me to be seen at the firehouse at any time due to my mother was the first woman firefighter in our town . We held a lot of fundraisers there and I was also the president of the womans auxilliary. This particular officer I had met before briefly ,but mostly due to the police dept. and fire dept. were side by side . Again as well I must say we live in a small town. Well I rode with this officer from approximately eight pm. til approx. 6 am . the next morning . He talked the biggest part of the night and I really enjoyed listening to him . As our night ended he asked if I would like to ride again with him the next night ? YES , I said about as quickly as he was to ask me to ride. Again he talked for most of the night and again I listened. However our evening ended a little different this time. He kissed me . Blown away by his forwardness toward me I was !. On the third night I think I did a little more of the talking . My boyfriend and I were only on our first week of temporary separation when I met this man I must remind you . Three and a half weeks into this "new" relationship I'd stumbled into "he proposed" !!! I know , who would ever thought ??? That any of this would come to be !Oh , things were a movin fast !! The fact is I actually said yes , and again just about as fast as he had asked me! I never hesitated. My mother was in california at the time and all I could think of was how she always said , " never date a police officer". Did'nt understand why at the time but she later explained that her mother had told her the same things and the best we could get out of all that was she must have had a bad experience. So , never the less I tell everyone the story only to tell them that I kept that part short, for my mother never said I couldnt marry one !! We decided not to tell my mother right away or anyone else really. Mom came home from california sometime around the end of the thirty day period. I'll be darned if he didnt blurt it out to her anyway!!Well , she knew I was in a thirty day trial separation but, what she didnt know was that since the proposal other than herself , no one else knew. The boyfriend was devastated to hear my mother blurt out all of the changes that had occured since she left and returned. Including me preparing to get married !! We hadnt even sat and talked yet. Well, we did and he explained that he had talked to his mother just a couple of nights before and told her she must accept me because it was me he was choosing to be with. She promised she would . He had many questions . How and where did I meet this person ? How long had I known him?Was he accepting to my son? They were all rightful asked questions . Only I didnt know why all this was happening my own self. Trying to give some kind of comfort was hard because of this too. Explained the best I could ... I wasnt looking for someone, he fell into my lap, I love you and all that we have shared . Your family has been against me from the get go and I truly feel that letting you go now is truly the best thing. For somewhere down the road when things get a little hard , and all things do , that you family will be there to throw all of me in your face . So, I 'd rather hurt you now than to someday marry you and hurt you a lifetime ! I t still was a very hurtful evening for the both of us . Of all the things going on around us I truly believe that GOD was reveiling things to me . My son as I explained was always a part of my dating , but this time it was different for him too.! He began calling this new man in my life "daddy". Now , no one suggested this. He began this before the proposal even. We thought at first he may have been saying" Danny ", but nope it was daddy . I told my son no but Danny quickly stopped me and said , if that is what he is comfortable with then leave him alone! so we did. Oh how he was and is my knight in shining armor. ( He DROVE up in his WHITE shiny police CAR wearing his UNIFORM of ARMOR)

Dating ! Could I ?

You mean to tell me , someone would even be interested ? Well if that just didnt beat all ! there actually was ! I didnt realize I was even attractive . After being told so much that I wasnt, It kind of sank in ya know. Well, I was allowed to be in the very first town pageant(1986) and came in first runner up ! Yeah ! It was the only time I would be allowed due to age requirments. It was a blast . Getting to know some of the other girls in town was fun and our host was a local D.J for a well known country music station .I was the last contestant to be asked a question (pulled from a hat ) and there was one extra in the hat to make it fair. So the last question in the hat I told our host was for me to ask him. Boy did that throw him off. But we had a blast. I couldnt begin to tell you what my question was , but I can tell you his. " What landmark would you use to navigate a passer through, thru town ?" His answer was the hottest new night club in at least a 50 mile radious. Everyone had a big laugh. Never thought I would come in the finals. Truly, I only did it for the experience and to be able to say I had been in the first pageant ever held in our small town. Again ... God showed me my worth. He gave me back something that was ripped from me. I still have issues today resulting from the marriage now so long ago took place. But I keep growing the best I can . So I did begin to date . And actually dated a few very special men. They seemed to understand the relationship I had been in and was very considerate to me and all my little quirps. : ) Thank you GOD for them, and all ther patience. My son was always a first when I dated. These men were told up front how I felt , that I had a son and it was a package deal. These men truly were special , they were all very accepting of us both. Sure we had some dates that were for just the 2 of us , but most of them were for 3 !! : ) The Lord continues to move me forward.

New Struggles

After leaving my husband , I moved back home with my mom. She allowed me and my son to live with her . It was a great thing , we needed a place to start a new life ! We began our new life by going back to church. I had many questions for the pastor about leaving my husband , and my marriage to him. Where do I start?, where do I belong ? Could I ever marry again ? Now I remind you that I really had no self-esteem so I also had questions like , now what am I supposed to do ? I have a son to raise , I have no high school diploma, no job, no drivers license, and no money ! Well , my mother allowed me to focus on being a mother first . My husband at the time was only ordered to pay $25.00 per week .No its not a type o . $25.00 per week was all I recieved. So I gave that to my mother to help with all the needs . In the mean time she saw to it that we were taken care of . In exchange for all that she did . I began to take care of the home. Cooking , cleaning , laundry ,even made out the bills. All she had to do was sign them . It worked out pretty well for all of us . My youngest sister still lived at home and attended school .We all attended church together and began to keep the nursery children after a while on sunday mornings and on wednesday nights . Later on my mother was allowed to start a new program , "Childrens Church". And I went on to help her with that . It was all alot of fun and educational for me as well as a healing time for me too ! My next struggles were what I call" the vicious circles". Everything that I needed to do was in the next town , 12 miles away ! To take GED classes, to take a drivers permit test , to get a job ,was all 12 miles away . Mom worked 2 jobs which kept her away for most all of the day and early evenings . She would come home , eat , shower and get ready for the next day . Just couldnt seem to get beyond the circle . Then one day I just got fed up with it all and started asking people that I knew from the local fire dept. and were taking classes themselves for computors and such if I could catch a ride with them in the evenings . So, I would catch a ride with one for the ride in and another for the ride home . That only worked for a little while because their classes ended . My next thought was maybe I could just go on and take the test ! Now my little sister would watch my son while I went to classes so that was a blessing too ! Well to take the GED test was about 30 miles away and was to be taken over a 2 day period, during the day . Whew, how was I ever going to get there ? was I even ready?How would I pay for it ?Who would watch my son?It was all so overwhelming for me!!! At this point I dont think my mother really wanted me to go further. Maybe she liked where I was at ! I know I owed her alot but I felt as tho she wanted to keep me in this shell. My mother was also the first woman firefighter in our small town, so I had made friends there as well as started a new chapter of womans auxillary. Then one day after talking to one of the other woman I'd made friends with she just blurted out "I'll take you both days and I'll watch your son ! Well...... This sure changed alot of things . She is a wonderful woman and mother of 6 . So I guess I was just another child under her wing so to speak!! She helped to change my world . The LORD is GREAT !! And I ask that the LORD bless each of those people that helped me to achieve my GED !! The test results of the GED test was just what I needed to keep going , 3 college level scores !! My self esteem was on the rise . This did not happen over night, it all took place over a 3 year time frame. It probably took a year just to begin to really make friends. But I did it and felt as tho I was back on the right track of life !!! Thank You JESUS !!!!

Understanding Prayer !

No one ever helped me to know how to pray, much less how to understand truly how they worked. Well you know , I was taught the common child like prayers . Such as , Now I lay me down to sleep , for bedtime and God is great , God is good , for our mealtime prayers . Dont get me wrong ! I in no way am pointing fingers at anyone for not learning any different . My mother did what she knew to do and did a great job of it : ) However , it left me searching for answers . Maybe for me that was a god thing ! Married at a early age for many different reasons . One because I was in love! , and two because I felt I was already running a home so why not just run one for myself . The man that I loved was several years ahead of me in age , worked every day for a decent wage and also was a great upholsterer . He was a little demanding in the beggining but not mean . As time passed he did show signs of being abusive , but I did not see them . I was warned , but could not see passed it all . Pregnancy came and things began to go from bad to worse . Always prayed ! And when things would get worse , I would pray harder . Then it got to the point that I felt Satan himself had a grip on me so bad that I began to question my prayers . Because every time I prayed , things got worse ! How could this be ? I couldnt make sense of it . I would pray things like , Please Lord let me be all that I can for him and help me to understand what it is that he needs from me so that we might have the life you desire . Things got worse . So more prayers . Please Lord help me to know what to do for him so that he can be well . Well , things continued to get even worse . Several times I had attempted to leave only to be held against my will . My son is approx. one year old at this time and I'm concerned for his welfare now too ! You must also know that at this point in my life my self esteem was at zero , I had been brain washed over a couple of years time and was Totally not thinking best at all . No friends , wasnt allowed to have any . Wasnt allowed to talk with family members on a regular basis . Had no phone . Was never allowed to have money in my pocket . Once while sick , in the grocery store with my husbands mother I had a terrible cough . It must have been an annoying one to others because she belted out , why dont you buy yourself some cough drops or something !!! I just wanted to crawl in a hole . I responded to tell her I had no money and she looked at me and said you mean to tell me you dont have 30 cents ? Well I dont remember what was said at that point if anything . So , I began to think about my prayers and what I was asking for . I was never told it ws ok for me to ask for prayers for ME . But I did and I asked JESUS to help me to leave safely without incident with my son ,and to provide me a way . I had no car or drivers license either . Then , one day when things were going pretty well in the home I found a quarter and I thought to myself this is not more than a phone call , hmmmm , a phone call . But how , or where . My mind began to rush with , if I could get a call to my mother then maybe she could come with a truck and pick us up . Well it wasnt that simple , she lived in another county about 30 or so miles away and he would leave every day for work at 8am , back home for lunch at 12 noon , and home for dinner by 5pm. Began to pack but couldnt too much or he would notice . So I would pack a little and shove under the beds , cabinets or wherever I thought he wouldnt look . For if he found out .... it would have been bad. A few days later I heard a new neighbor in our building . It was a young woman close to my age . I stopped her and exclaimed , I know you dont know me , but I really need your help. Do you have a phone? her answer was no , well I have this quarter and I know this is an unusual request but is there any way you could take it and make a call to my mother ? I'll write down everything I need for you to tell her , could you please ? I went on to explain my situation as she seemed very understanding . My time to leave was between 1 and 5 , no sooner no later ! Everything would be as usual so as not to stir things up . Only took what I felt I needed to take care of my son . Everything else was left . On the coffee table with his dinner I left a note . I never went back . Although I must tell you I had left before only to return . Never thought I would love someone so much like that again .!!! My prayers were being heard , and answered . It just took me some time to figure out that it was me who needed to be prayed for . That I needed to ask for me , and as soon as I did things began to fall into place . Although it was ok for me to pray for my husband , I was praying for the wrong things . And there are some things we just cant fix . I also had to learn the difference between loving someone , being in love with someone , or being in love with the past .!!!!! I've come along way sinse then . PRAYER IS GREAT !! Thank you JESUS !!!!!

Things became confusing !

Just before my mamaw passed my mother remarried for the 3rd time. My mamaw really liked him and called him smiley! Because he did , ALL the time . He was a great step dad... in the beggining . He later became an abusive alcoholic . I dont wish to make excuses for him but I believe he was driven crazy by his ex-wife . She gained custody of his 3 children who he had with a previous wife . (she had passed away) He was a military man and was gone most of the time. When he retired after 26 yrs. of service she wanted a divorce and custody ! She was a cruel woman . She would make the children call him and tell him they didnt want his gifts (x-mas , b-days etc. ) that they didnt love him or want to be with him . You could hear them cry through the phone as she would instruct them what to say . It literally drove him crazy ! I'm not going to say he did'nt believe in God or Jesus , however he was not a christian man or he could have made it through . Until that point , he was a great man and I loved him very very much. He became my daddy ! Things were very confusing for me . I was a child trying to see through things in the adult situations taking place around me . We did soooo much together ! We worked together and played together . I worked hard with him but was rewarded greatly in many ways. Learning to perform many tasks was rewarding for me as I grew older and applied them in my adult living . Rewarded in material things as well were also given . But the more I tried to be there for him , trying to help fill the void I knew he felt , things only got worse ! I prayed for him and my family . For I knew that for once in so many years that not only was I happy but my mother was as well . As things got worse I began to think that if I had not shown him such love and devotion to him then maybe he would not have missed them so much .!!It made me feel that I was only showing him what he was missing !! Instead of helping him to appreciate what he had . Needless to say , things became bad enough that divorce was the only option my mother felt she had . For me ..... I had lost yet another daddy !!!!! I was devastated again . Were'nt my prayers being heard ? What was happening ?My mother was great at explaining to us in ways a child could understand what was going on and why but I still didnt know why my prayers were not answered . I dont recall ever asking these things to my mother , maybe I should have . My oldest sister was also something I didnt grasp . She was my bestest friend growing up . I looked forward to being with her every day ! Then she became a teenager and I began to loose her . She had run away from sooooo many times . That too was devastating for me . I missed her and wanted her to be around .Then one day after my mom had gotten a great new job , she bought us a new house in a nice subdivision several miles away from the areas we used to live in . It was like a whole other world for me . New friends , new schools , (but I was use to these ) New streets , new shopping areas . Then one hot summer day while riding my bike with a friend I saw someone , I exclaimed to my new found friend that that girl back there looked like my sister who had run away !!!!!!! She told me I was crazy , that in no way was that my sister . Iwas just making it all up !! I insisted that we go back by again and again until we saw thoses people again . And guess what !! It WAS her !!! I hollored for her then stopped on the edge of the road . She came to me just as flabbergasted as I was to see her . She was full of questions .I was sooo glad to have found her .I remember telling her how to find our new house and allowed her to come and sneak some of her belongings. As time passed I told my mom about finding her and eventually she came back home . Of course, she left again and again . But she would try and keep some contact with me . Oh , how I would pray for her !!For her to be safe, to come home to me ! I never really understood why she would leave . Seems like I've always been the mediator of the family . Always trying to mend the broken whatevers between everyone . Things never really became clear for me , they just seemed to pass .

Mamaws Teachings

Mamaw was very ill, she was dying from lung cancer. August was here and I new it was a matter of time for her to go . Praying every night before bed that she wouldnt go on my birthday, Aug. 22 . Fortunately for me she went home on the 29 , just 7 days later . She said to me once that I was her " child with an old soul". Always felt out of sorts too ,like I should have been from an earlier time! ? The first thing I can say I learned from her was to love unconditionally ( there's a lot of pain that comes with that). And it doesnt always mean you have to like either ! Patience ......to listen and to give . You may have a different opinion or you may not like what is being said but there is always something to learn if you listen! To give of myself to others, because its free . And when you give of yourself( from the heart !) it comes back . Treat all as if they were JESUS !! and that can be quite difficult at times !!! , I make myself stand back and say " I know its really not but what if ? ". Like , have you ever looked into , and I mean really looked into the eyes of a child ? If you dont see JESUS in there then you havent really looked !!! I cherish looking into childrens eyes !! Not just my children or grand children , but them all . I encourage you to look next time your out in the grocery . Just give a little smile and see what you get in return . Its like magic ! Now for the last , forgiveness . We all need to forgive daily . Try not and let it exceed the day . It becomes harder to find the forgiveness sometimes as days pass . Try not to say that you cant or that its unforgivable . But remember above all that JESUS does ! and to me to say that I cant forgive is to say that Im better than him . Well , and that certainly wont happen ! My Mamaw was so loving and giving , feminine and yet very strong and indepedant too ! That was a bit of a rarety for her time . For I've heard stories (as she was a single parent of three ), that when she bought a new home and had no grass in the yard that she used an old hand tiller to prepare her yard for seed. And being the entreprenuer that she was , she would hand till other neighbors yards for extra money. She would make mr & mrs santa dolls , ceramic x-mas trees , hanging perched owls , and many many others ! She was also the owner of a Tavern in louis. ky. Crippling arthritis she had in her hands , her fingers were all bent towards her pinky fingers . But never did it hold her back from getting done what needed to be done ! RC cola is what she drank and Belair cigarrettes is what she smoked . She had a thing about always trying to make everyone feel special . She was good at that too : ) At thanksgiving she would ask everyone, what is your favorite pie ? then she would see to it that the pie was there for them . It was a lot of fun for me to be with her as she cooked . I had an over head view as the kitchen she used to do all of her BIG cooking was in the basement. All I had to do was sit on the steps and I was on one side of the stove and counter and she was on the other . It was great ! I got to see and taste it all . Is that too much ? does it need more salt? And of course I got to lick all the spoons ! YUM ! And for her I was always in sight but never in the way . Sure wish I could talk to her , I have alot of questions . Proud I hope she is of me !

In the beggining !

At the age of 3 are my earliest recollections of life around me. We lived in okalona in a new 3 bedroom white brick ranch style house. My grandfather( William Jasper Mcdannold Sr.) on my dads side lived with us , as he was legally blind. My grandfather and I would go for walks about the time my sister Wendy would be comming home on the bus from school. We would hold hands and little did I know that I was his eyes as we would walk around the block. He would say to me , "stay on the side of the road now by the grass " . By the time we got around the block the bus would be comming and we would stand at the driveway for her . Always glad to see her as she was my bestest friend : ) The house I can see in every detail . My mothers dinner table , the glasses she used , bedspreads , throw rugs , you name it . My grandfather died in that house of a massive heart attack one morning while in the bathroom , 1968 . That was the year man walked on the moon !! He said it would never happen . He missed it but not by much. Thats one day I dont recall at all , him dying that is . Later I was told that my dad carried me down the hall with my head turned so I couldnt see , but I did , and said to him " I saw papaws piggy piggies " . Mom said after that I would talk about going for walks with him in the night time ! She said once after it had rained she wanted to go and look for foot prints outside as we still had a lot of mud rather than grass due to it being a new home . She never did , she said she was afraid too ! Not long after that I remember living at my grandmother Timbermans house . Not sure how much time had actually passed , maybe a year or so. My first heartbreak !! Around 4 - 4 1/2 I guess , My mom and dad took me to the guest room ( or my aunt barbara's room as I remember) and explained to me that they were getting a divorce. They explained to me as gently as they could what that was . They did a good job , but the hurt was still the same .Of course I loved my mom , but I was daddy's little girl !! Spent time with my mom so I longed for my daddy !! .......... He never came. At about 5yrs. or so a man delivered a small basket of flowers , a box of chocolates and the prettiest pair of ruffled socks a little girl could want , It was my birthday. They were from my daddy . Well , the flowers dried up , I refused to open the chocolates and or wear the socks . Trying to hang on to every little piece of him I could . It didnt work .My dad then remarried and had other children. That was hard too , but not real bad because I liked the children . Played with them before I was told who the children were. Already had a relationship with them. That was at about 6 yrs. or so when I had gone for a visit to Paris Ky. to be with my dads sister and her family and grandmother on my dads side . My youngest sister was born in 1972 . My mom married her dad and was married for a couple of years at most . They had a lot of trouble with the ex-wife butting in .Wendy and I stayed with my grandparents so we could attend school without changing again and we would go to my moms and winette's dads home on the weekend.When they divorced we moved to Oregon Wisconsin , Oh was it cold there, I hated it ! I remember comming home to my grandmother Timbermans house for christmas and not wearing a coat !! It felt sooo warm in comparison . Glad when we moved back , and back to the grandmothers house .We did move around quite a bit while I was growing up and attended alot of Schools too . Guess I adapted o.k. , never liked school . It was always a chore for me . One school I attended gave skating passes to champs roller rink . One for each passing grade and or satisfactory report you recieved .So that worked out pretty well for Wendy and I because that meant even tho mom didnt have the money for us to go , we had enough passes to go every weekend during the summer. A christian I've always considered myself . Even at a VERY young age I felt drawn to my JESUS. Growing up we never went to church on a regular basis but still went quite alot . First one church and then maybe another . Nonetheless I enjoyed them, the lessons , the songs , the rides on the bus . Inviting JESUS into my heart like I said came early . Mom went with us when she could as my mom was a single parent of 3 who recieved no child support of any kind. Money was always an issue. So, many times she would ride the bus with us . We always had a good time on the bus . In 1975 , january 12 ,I was baptized in the Beechmont Baptist Church of Louisville Ky., I was 9 years old . The pastor at the time was Eugene Enlow. Once while visiting my aunt , uncle and grandmother on my dad side of the family, and attending church with them the LORDS SUPPER was being passed, and when it was my turn my grandmother quickly told me to put that back because that was only for those who were born again christians and those who were saved !! She made a big deal out of it to my aunt as well on the way home , how it was embarrasing to her and that I should have known better. Confused and hurt to say the least , but I was not about to back talk to my grandmother. So I was knocked down a little from where I thought I was in my quest of being a christian. She made me feel so undeserving and that what I had achieved meant nothing. I questioned my faith !! On August 29, 1977 I lost my grandmother(Lottie Agnes Teague , Timberman ) on my moms side of the family to lung cancer. I was closer to her than anyone alive !! Off and on , myself and 2 sisters lived with her and my grandfather Carl Timberman. My world and all of its stability was ROCKED . For I had become a full fledged Mamaws girl . We cooked , we cleaned , baked , crafted , played , shopped , baked , did I say that already? It was great !! She taught me so much at such an early age , its hard even now for me to think of all the ways she has affected my life . And still does !!!