Understanding Prayer !

No one ever helped me to know how to pray, much less how to understand truly how they worked. Well you know , I was taught the common child like prayers . Such as , Now I lay me down to sleep , for bedtime and God is great , God is good , for our mealtime prayers . Dont get me wrong ! I in no way am pointing fingers at anyone for not learning any different . My mother did what she knew to do and did a great job of it : ) However , it left me searching for answers . Maybe for me that was a god thing ! Married at a early age for many different reasons . One because I was in love! , and two because I felt I was already running a home so why not just run one for myself . The man that I loved was several years ahead of me in age , worked every day for a decent wage and also was a great upholsterer . He was a little demanding in the beggining but not mean . As time passed he did show signs of being abusive , but I did not see them . I was warned , but could not see passed it all . Pregnancy came and things began to go from bad to worse . Always prayed ! And when things would get worse , I would pray harder . Then it got to the point that I felt Satan himself had a grip on me so bad that I began to question my prayers . Because every time I prayed , things got worse ! How could this be ? I couldnt make sense of it . I would pray things like , Please Lord let me be all that I can for him and help me to understand what it is that he needs from me so that we might have the life you desire . Things got worse . So more prayers . Please Lord help me to know what to do for him so that he can be well . Well , things continued to get even worse . Several times I had attempted to leave only to be held against my will . My son is approx. one year old at this time and I'm concerned for his welfare now too ! You must also know that at this point in my life my self esteem was at zero , I had been brain washed over a couple of years time and was Totally not thinking best at all . No friends , wasnt allowed to have any . Wasnt allowed to talk with family members on a regular basis . Had no phone . Was never allowed to have money in my pocket . Once while sick , in the grocery store with my husbands mother I had a terrible cough . It must have been an annoying one to others because she belted out , why dont you buy yourself some cough drops or something !!! I just wanted to crawl in a hole . I responded to tell her I had no money and she looked at me and said you mean to tell me you dont have 30 cents ? Well I dont remember what was said at that point if anything . So , I began to think about my prayers and what I was asking for . I was never told it ws ok for me to ask for prayers for ME . But I did and I asked JESUS to help me to leave safely without incident with my son ,and to provide me a way . I had no car or drivers license either . Then , one day when things were going pretty well in the home I found a quarter and I thought to myself this is not more than a phone call , hmmmm , a phone call . But how , or where . My mind began to rush with , if I could get a call to my mother then maybe she could come with a truck and pick us up . Well it wasnt that simple , she lived in another county about 30 or so miles away and he would leave every day for work at 8am , back home for lunch at 12 noon , and home for dinner by 5pm. Began to pack but couldnt too much or he would notice . So I would pack a little and shove under the beds , cabinets or wherever I thought he wouldnt look . For if he found out .... it would have been bad. A few days later I heard a new neighbor in our building . It was a young woman close to my age . I stopped her and exclaimed , I know you dont know me , but I really need your help. Do you have a phone? her answer was no , well I have this quarter and I know this is an unusual request but is there any way you could take it and make a call to my mother ? I'll write down everything I need for you to tell her , could you please ? I went on to explain my situation as she seemed very understanding . My time to leave was between 1 and 5 , no sooner no later ! Everything would be as usual so as not to stir things up . Only took what I felt I needed to take care of my son . Everything else was left . On the coffee table with his dinner I left a note . I never went back . Although I must tell you I had left before only to return . Never thought I would love someone so much like that again .!!! My prayers were being heard , and answered . It just took me some time to figure out that it was me who needed to be prayed for . That I needed to ask for me , and as soon as I did things began to fall into place . Although it was ok for me to pray for my husband , I was praying for the wrong things . And there are some things we just cant fix . I also had to learn the difference between loving someone , being in love with someone , or being in love with the past .!!!!! I've come along way sinse then . PRAYER IS GREAT !! Thank you JESUS !!!!!

Things became confusing !

Just before my mamaw passed my mother remarried for the 3rd time. My mamaw really liked him and called him smiley! Because he did , ALL the time . He was a great step dad... in the beggining . He later became an abusive alcoholic . I dont wish to make excuses for him but I believe he was driven crazy by his ex-wife . She gained custody of his 3 children who he had with a previous wife . (she had passed away) He was a military man and was gone most of the time. When he retired after 26 yrs. of service she wanted a divorce and custody ! She was a cruel woman . She would make the children call him and tell him they didnt want his gifts (x-mas , b-days etc. ) that they didnt love him or want to be with him . You could hear them cry through the phone as she would instruct them what to say . It literally drove him crazy ! I'm not going to say he did'nt believe in God or Jesus , however he was not a christian man or he could have made it through . Until that point , he was a great man and I loved him very very much. He became my daddy ! Things were very confusing for me . I was a child trying to see through things in the adult situations taking place around me . We did soooo much together ! We worked together and played together . I worked hard with him but was rewarded greatly in many ways. Learning to perform many tasks was rewarding for me as I grew older and applied them in my adult living . Rewarded in material things as well were also given . But the more I tried to be there for him , trying to help fill the void I knew he felt , things only got worse ! I prayed for him and my family . For I knew that for once in so many years that not only was I happy but my mother was as well . As things got worse I began to think that if I had not shown him such love and devotion to him then maybe he would not have missed them so much .!!It made me feel that I was only showing him what he was missing !! Instead of helping him to appreciate what he had . Needless to say , things became bad enough that divorce was the only option my mother felt she had . For me ..... I had lost yet another daddy !!!!! I was devastated again . Were'nt my prayers being heard ? What was happening ?My mother was great at explaining to us in ways a child could understand what was going on and why but I still didnt know why my prayers were not answered . I dont recall ever asking these things to my mother , maybe I should have . My oldest sister was also something I didnt grasp . She was my bestest friend growing up . I looked forward to being with her every day ! Then she became a teenager and I began to loose her . She had run away from sooooo many times . That too was devastating for me . I missed her and wanted her to be around .Then one day after my mom had gotten a great new job , she bought us a new house in a nice subdivision several miles away from the areas we used to live in . It was like a whole other world for me . New friends , new schools , (but I was use to these ) New streets , new shopping areas . Then one hot summer day while riding my bike with a friend I saw someone , I exclaimed to my new found friend that that girl back there looked like my sister who had run away !!!!!!! She told me I was crazy , that in no way was that my sister . Iwas just making it all up !! I insisted that we go back by again and again until we saw thoses people again . And guess what !! It WAS her !!! I hollored for her then stopped on the edge of the road . She came to me just as flabbergasted as I was to see her . She was full of questions .I was sooo glad to have found her .I remember telling her how to find our new house and allowed her to come and sneak some of her belongings. As time passed I told my mom about finding her and eventually she came back home . Of course, she left again and again . But she would try and keep some contact with me . Oh , how I would pray for her !!For her to be safe, to come home to me ! I never really understood why she would leave . Seems like I've always been the mediator of the family . Always trying to mend the broken whatevers between everyone . Things never really became clear for me , they just seemed to pass .